Another milestone is quickly approaching. In one week I will be officially halfway done with my college career. I remember last summer so distinctly, feeling in my bones that sophomore year would be the year I “came into myself.” Did I accomplish that? Maybe. I feel much more comfortable with myself than I did a year ago. Freshman year was there to unbalance me, make me question everything, question myself. Throw me into a completely new environment, in a place where it’s hard NOT to feel lonely, insecure, unloved, unhappy, and it was definitely a huge struggle trying to swim out of the unfamiliar unscathed. This year, I think I’m getting closer and closer to centering myself, going back to some semblance of balance and peace. I’m definitely a happier, more whole person than I was.
So what have I done? Well, I stuck to my resolution that I was going to quit everything that wasn’t making me happy, and took up things that I’ve always wanted to try, and things I’ve been missing from my life. Photography, French, musical theater (?! I know), voice lessons, peer counseling (fingers crossed). I pursued my academic interests, which have been both exciting and a little more disappointing than I imagined they might be. But I tried it. I went for what I wanted, and more often than not, succeeded.
I still have the most amazing friends, and one in particular that I have come to love dearly. Sometimes, I’m afraid that I am a little too reliant, and I catch myself not knowing what to do with myself when I can’t reach her. I’m not used to emotionally relying on anyone, guys or girls, and I can’t tell if this is a healthy or unhealthy thing to have. Regardless, she’s the person that I can reveal the whole of myself to, and I’m lucky to have her. This summer without her will mark both one year of friendship, and the first time in that year without each other. I’m ridiculously excited of course, but mostly I wonder how and how much I will change, who I will meet, adventures I might have. J is always so specific about her goals, and she always pulls through with them. Maybe I need a list or something.
This past year, I lost a whole lot of self-consciousness, but I also think I lost some thoughtfulness. Maybe it just means I’m really living a whole lot more, but I miss the moments of reflection. What do I want from myself? What kind of person do I want to be? What kinds of people do I want to surround myself with? So far this is all I have, still trying to figure the rest out.
