I used to really love writing in this. What happened? Did something change? I change?
I never even took the time out to write out my adventures in Europe from this past summer, and it’s already the holiday season. Also, it’s 2:35am, which means that I should probably be in bed, but I can’t help this nagging feeling that I need to write things down, something. Maybe writing will help me clear my mind and help me figure out why I have become so demotivated in the past month.
I loved Europe. And I will love Africa. Why can’t I love where I am right now?
I guess in some ways I do - I love my friends, feeling secure, knowing where I am headed and why I’m doing what I’m doing. There is so much to love here, with all the excitement, intellectual curiosity, and opportunities available. I love seeing my friends succeed. I love my Wolof class, though not as much lately since I know I haven’t been keeping up and Lamine seems a tiny bit disappointed in my dying enthusiasm. I love the beautiful sunny days we have been having, and the beginnings of Christmastime when the strings of lights are just starting to be put out in storefronts.
So what’s wrong? Part of it is that I’m still grappling with the slime of privilege that pervades the school, but that’s an easy target to blame. Part of it is that I haven’t been to New York since September, and I never got to get back and recharge my batteries, get away from here at least for a while. I can’t figure it out, though. This is such a problem. I am never like this!! I normally always know.
Part of it is also realizing how high my expectations are for people. And how much people have disappointed me in the past month. There was never anything specific that anyone did to me, but you know when you think of someone one way, and then you keep observing how they interact with the world and you get a better sense of the kind of person that they are? It’s disappointing when the two things don’t correspond anymore. I should lower my expectations, because I put people on a pedestal that they really didn’t ask for. I need to learn to stop feeling so strongly about near-strangers. How well do we know our friends anyway?
Maybe I should go to bed and figure it out after I write my papers this week. To do: voice lessons, health response paper, tea with Tess, philosophy paper, Berryline study break, addiction response paper, apply for visa, write internship statement in french, french expose, figure out thesis. There is so much to look forward to in the next few weeks - Harvard-Yale, Lady Gaga concert, the Nutcracker, Thanksgiving, LHO Scenes… but it makes me sick to my stomach that I also need to figure out all my Senegal paperwork, worry about final papers and finals, find a thesis topic and advisor, all before December, and then leave Harvard for the rest of the year. Just. Like. That.
I guess I’m not too sad about leaving Harvard so early this year, but the piling work is stressing me out, as always. The first two months of the semester is always free and exciting, but it always gets to this breaking point. I’m glad to leave, really. I need some serious perspective. Thanksgiving can’t come soon enough.
The first day of dreary weather in a long while. The rain is making me feel melancholy, and is making me miss Paris.
It’s been nice, though, spending time with the family.
Haven’t written in a while, or checked Tumblr much, but just wanted to say that I adore being here in Paris, and not in the honeymoon-stage way. It has given me a small taste of the world, and I can’t wait for my new adventures.
Extroverts therefore dominate public life. This is a pity. If we introverts ran the world, it would no doubt be a calmer, saner, more peaceful sort of place. As Coolidge is supposed to have said, “Don’t you know that four fifths of all our troubles in this life would disappear if we would just sit down and keep still?” (He is also supposed to have said, “If you don’t say anything, you won’t be called on to repeat it.” The only thing a true introvert dislikes more than talking about himself is repeating himself.)
With their endless appetite for talk and attention, extroverts also dominate social life, so they tend to set expectations. In our extrovertist society, being outgoing is considered normal and therefore desirable, a mark of happiness, confidence, leadership. Extroverts are seen as bighearted, vibrant, warm, empathic. “People person” is a compliment. Introverts are described with words like “guarded,” “loner,” “reserved,” “taciturn,” “self-contained,” “private”—narrow, ungenerous words, words that suggest emotional parsimony and smallness of personality. Female introverts, I suspect, must suffer especially. In certain circles, particularly in the Midwest, a man can still sometimes get away with being what they used to call a strong and silent type; introverted women, lacking that alternative, are even more likely than men to be perceived as timid, withdrawn, haughty.
Another milestone is quickly approaching. In one week I will be officially halfway done with my college career. I remember last summer so distinctly, feeling in my bones that sophomore year would be the year I “came into myself.” Did I accomplish that? Maybe. I feel much more comfortable with myself than I did a year ago. Freshman year was there to unbalance me, make me question everything, question myself. Throw me into a completely new environment, in a place where it’s hard NOT to feel lonely, insecure, unloved, unhappy, and it was definitely a huge struggle trying to swim out of the unfamiliar unscathed. This year, I think I’m getting closer and closer to centering myself, going back to some semblance of balance and peace. I’m definitely a happier, more whole person than I was.
So what have I done? Well, I stuck to my resolution that I was going to quit everything that wasn’t making me happy, and took up things that I’ve always wanted to try, and things I’ve been missing from my life. Photography, French, musical theater (?! I know), voice lessons, peer counseling (fingers crossed). I pursued my academic interests, which have been both exciting and a little more disappointing than I imagined they might be. But I tried it. I went for what I wanted, and more often than not, succeeded.
I still have the most amazing friends, and one in particular that I have come to love dearly. Sometimes, I’m afraid that I am a little too reliant, and I catch myself not knowing what to do with myself when I can’t reach her. I’m not used to emotionally relying on anyone, guys or girls, and I can’t tell if this is a healthy or unhealthy thing to have. Regardless, she’s the person that I can reveal the whole of myself to, and I’m lucky to have her. This summer without her will mark both one year of friendship, and the first time in that year without each other. I’m ridiculously excited of course, but mostly I wonder how and how much I will change, who I will meet, adventures I might have. J is always so specific about her goals, and she always pulls through with them. Maybe I need a list or something.
This past year, I lost a whole lot of self-consciousness, but I also think I lost some thoughtfulness. Maybe it just means I’m really living a whole lot more, but I miss the moments of reflection. What do I want from myself? What kind of person do I want to be? What kinds of people do I want to surround myself with? So far this is all I have, still trying to figure the rest out.
“How to make a baby”. I’m keeping this at hand and may use it for later explanations.
“Peter Funch captured throngs of NYC pedestrians by shooting from the same streetcorners for weeks. Compositing people from across time into a single frame - grouped by theme.”
These are great. Simple, subtle, yet powerful. This one may be my favorite. Only in New York…
(via veer)
One shot can’t do the gallery justice. Click through to see a glimpse of a world where everyone is walking a dog/smoking a cigarette/carrying a manilla folder/etc.
Is this for real? These are SO great.
(via outandabout)
Yes!
*Addendum: TV is okay if Secret Life is on. Or if something amazing is on Lifetime.
Seeing the bright side of life may strengthen the psyche, ease pain and tighten social bonds
Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)- Walt Whitman
